It has happened to just about everyone in the dating experience at least once or twice. Ever wondered why ghosting hurt so much and probably things you can do when you are ghosted? Have you been ghosted without knowing that is what ghosting means? We have been there once or twice in our lives and experience is our wisdom.
Ghosting is a trendy term that is used to refer to a sudden relationship breakup with any explanation, notice, warning, or sign. It is simply a sudden disappearance from a relationship or a potential relationship without drama, no signs, no warning, no questions asked nor answers given. You just wake up one morning only to realize that the person you were hopeful about and probably talked to regularly and almost definitely had a connection with, ditched you without so much as a goodbye. Sorry, you have just been ghosted.
Every breakup hurt but ghosting is crueler. It is a cruel rejection. It is cruel because you are left with no rationale, no reason nor explanations, and lots of negative emotions playing through your mind as you try to solve the puzzle and understand what just happened. You can’t place your hand on what went wrong, what you said or did wrong. And if anything is nudging your mind every now and then is to find out what happened, to know why the sudden loss of interest and disappearance.
But, being ghosted can be a huge loss without reason. The reason we dwell so long when being ghosted is that we have a lot to consider. We constantly wonder what went long. We want to know if we did something wrong. And we need to know why.
Without that clarification, not knowing eats away at our confidence, our trust, our judgment, and our hope.
When you don’t get the closure a breakup requires, when you don’t get the clarification of what just happened and why the breakup of something that never even began sometimes, when stirring in that confusion for so long, it heaps a lot of effects on your confidence, trust, judgment, perception and your self-esteem in its entirety.
Ghosting is a show of no respect. It’s a big slap on the face in broad daylight. If the ghoster has any respect for you and for him/herself, he would have at least given you signs or warning, even if they couldn’t own up to a conversation. What about a text, call or using any of the social media platforms available. Enduring this lack of respect makes you feel less of a person who deserves such respect. Well, the good news is that you sure deserve every respect and decency. You are the bigger person in this picture.
However, knowing that you are the bigger person here, does not deny the fact that ghosting hurt so bad. There is no lesson to learn from ghosting. And if you decide to build a defense so you don’t get ghosted by any other person, you only bring negativity and doubt into every future relationship. You may not get stronger or really recover from the shock of it. But can you recover from it? Yes, and that is why I am writing this article.
10 things to do when you are Ghosted
There is no acceptable excuse or reason for ghosting. There is no magic somewhere or proven ways to quickly guide you into recovery from being ghosted by someone. But, do you still get to move on and how do you move on?
If you are looking for what to do when you have been ghosted, below are 10 things you can do when you are ghosted.
1. Avoid reminders
Avoid reminders of your ex. Avoid anything that will keep them stayed on you. Keeping their pictures, maintaining your friendship on social media and remembering the good times you share together, going through shared messages and chats or anything else that reminds you of them, will not give you the emotional closure that you seek. They are likely to cause painful emotions to resurface, and you still get the insight into why they broke up with you without explanations.
What you should do, get yourself rid of them mentally. Block their number, set their email address to spam, unfriend and block them on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and remove them from your contacts on whatever other apps you are connected to. No, you are not being mean, they are. Moreover, if someone has ever ghosted, do not give such a person a second chance at a relationship. They will up and disappear on you as they come. So, cut all ties ― all of it.
You may need to find a new distraction. Perhaps most importantly, know that this probably isn’t about you or anything you did wrong. It is about them and a lack of self-esteem, self-respect, and fear of commitment or attachment.
2. Don’t over-analyze everything
With ghosting, you are always left to sort for answers that are not available to you. It can you’re your head spin, looking for answers that aren't there.
When you have been ghosted, it means you have no answers to what went wrong. Don’t sweat it for a long time. Don’t over-beat yourself. Don’t overthink things. It is definitely not your fault. In fact, they don’t deserve to be your friends in the first place. "When we get ghosted by other people, we have no idea what went wrong," Richardson says. "Did I have bad breath? Did I say something wrong? Did the other person have a death in the family? Did their ex come crashing back into the picture?"
When someone just leaves out of the blue with no real justification as to why it makes sense that we would get clarify all the “did I?” questions in our own heads and begin to question everything and anything.
Don’t over-analyze anything. Move on and do your best while you are at it. Convince yourself of your dignity and maintain it to yourself and stay focused on your happiness and mental health.
3. Remember nothing is Wrong With You
When you're ghosted, your self-esteem can take a huge turn. There is a high tendency that as you wonder what just happened and why it happened, you could also start wondering if something is wrong with you and what is wrong with you. These things, when you allow them they eat away at your self-esteem.
It is easy to want to blame yourself for what just happened. I mean, you only have yourself to face after being ghosted. You happen to be in control of only you here. So, you seek to find fault in yourself to calm you longing for emotional closure.
You may be an effort in the direction of fixing the puzzle and bringing them together, but this isn't the best way to get a handle on the situation. Granted, it is hard not to take ghosting personal but blaming or shaming yourself about a perceived fault is not going to give you the closure you desire. I mean, it's ghosting, you don’t know why it happened. You have no control over the hurt in the first place.
It's important to remember that ghosting is more about the person and has absolutely nothing to do with you. If it has something to do with you, then you should know. You did nothing wrong. They're responsible for their own actions. It’s not your fault that they are immature, weak, and cannot face you like an adult and trash out things if any. So, don’t waste your time or energy trying to figure out what you did wrong, what you could have done differently, or anything that puts the blame on you.
Do not blame yourself and if you already blaming yourself, quit it. It’s not.
4. Resist feeling obsessive
I understand that if you're ghosted, you will be tempted to know what is going on with this person. You want to know if his ex came back into his life if he met a new person if he is alive if he is okay if he found someone finer and hotter than you. You will probably be feeling a little obsessed with knowing what they are up to without you in their life.
Ghosting has the potential to make the person who was ghosted want to check-up more due to being so hurt and confused. They stalk social media, and even real-life offices and homes, trying to unravel the mystery of what just happened.
Well, sitting and scrolling through your Facebook and Instagram feeds will only continue to bring back the pain and hurt.
Resist the temptation or the urge to stalk your ghoster. Trying to solve the mystery can result in unhealthy behaviors. Do your best to let it lie and find a way to move on. Stick up your dignity and pay more attention to your own health, and happiness.
Why would someone choose to simply disappear from another person’s life, without considering giving the person something to hold on to, at minimum, a conversation to end a relationship? But all of a sudden the person disappears without a warning or fight. You may have been wondering why someone would choose to be this cold to another person.
These may soothe your confusion
People with an avoidant type of personality, people who struggle and avoid attachments or commitments to others, because of trust and dependency issues resulting from some underlying factors in childhood, may easily choose ghosting as the best option at ending a relationship.
People who believe so much in destiny; they believe that if you are not destined to be with someone, no matter how much you struggle, the relationship will end up not working. The think ghosting is best for initiating a breakup as what is meant to be will be and verse visa.
Lastly, people who have been ghosted more than once finding ghosting as an acceptable way of ending a relationship.
5. Think of silence as its own message.
Silence they say is the best answer sometimes. Think of the whole ghosting thing as silence being a message on its own. A non-answer is an answer. Don’t over-analyze it. Don’t give it too many meanings that it doesn’t deserve. And take heart in the fact that the disappearance says more about the ghoster than about you. They may even be struggling with issues that have nothing to do with you, who knows?
Muster up whatever empathy and compassion you can for the person who ghosted you, it will help you feel better faster. And, surround yourself with supportive people in a time like this.
6. Talk to someone about it (friends, family, therapist, anyone)
If you have the support of friends and families, take advantage of their support. Talk to a therapist if need be. Just talk to someone, anyone that can validate your self-esteem and confidence. When you talk to people, you will be able to divert negative and harmful thoughts away from yourself and anyone. You will feel better and focus on what is important.
7. Sleep well, eat and exercise well
It is important to pay attention to your eating, sleeping habits. Don’t let this eat away on your health. Good physical health helps maintain good mental health. Make sure you're sleeping, eating well, practicing mindfulness and exercising
Practically, do anything that makes you feel good and reminds you that you are perfectly capable of looking after yourself.
8. Have some compassion for the other person if your mind will allow it
Well, it may not be necessary but it will help you move on. The person, who has ghosted you, actually needs help. You are much better than them. They have done nothing to improve their own conversation and relationship skills for the future, but you have. Knowing how it feels, you would likely not want to put another person through such a hurtful experience.
Pity them and wish them well, because most likely, they are the ones with the issues and not you.
9. Be grateful they left
You need to be so freaking happy that they have gone away from your life. Someone who ghosts is someone you do not want in your life. You should cheer for that. If they can’t even break up with someone properly, what else can't they do properly? You probably won this time.
10. Have yourself a big laugh
Yes, you read right. Laugh at them. Once you have succeeded in overcoming the shock, anger, and hurt. Enjoy your laugh. Anyone who decides to end a relationship through ghosting you deserve to be mocked and laughed at. So go ahead and have yourself a good laugh. Remember, you won and not them, so you deserve the final laughter.