Narcissists are human beings who have been damaged probably from their childhood. They can also inherent narcissism simply from their family. They are unable to feel consistently happy with anyone, even themselves. They are like wolves in sheep’s clothing. Their content is monstrous but the container can be very charming.
A narcissist lover will be sweet and charming until they feel they have trapped their partner on their web. They will gladly feast on the vulnerabilities they entrusted on then, make a mess of their lives and still blame their partner for the mess they created.
Yet despite the blood-thirst dripping down their tongue, their charming mask remains perfectly in place, a lifetime of practice no doubt, and sadly, some women will wave off the bloody warnings and suffer the fate that other women have suffered, not wanting to learn from other people’s mistake. Unfortunately, all that glitters are not gold.
If you inquire from the victims - narcissist lovers, they will all have one thing in common; they all hope and keep hoping that with honest communication and enough effort in the right places one day, just one day, things will turn around for good. Good thoughts! So, they begin to blindly obey every demand and command given to them. They cut ties with friends and families, they stop hanging out and doing what they love to do, they stop pursuing their dreams, stop living life for themselves. They do everything possible to be all-supportive and dutiful. They think they will ever be good enough, so they use their hands and enslave themselves until they become very vulnerable and living on the edge.
While they do this, they merely give the narcissist more opportunity to strengthen their ego and add to the power they chase. The power to subdue and entrap them.
A narcissist relationship is always off balance, it is impossible to ever measure up or find stable ground. There is always something missing in every effort you out in to make it work. The game is never changing because it’s always a game of power and control. A narcissist is addicted to power and the feeling of being in control. They are addicted to luring someone in, parading them around for their image, devouring them whole and then eventually spitting them out. A cruel punishment they convince themselves that their victims deserve for being weak enough to love them.
Narcissists are pathological. They have patterns and can be predicted. If you learn the games they play, they are entirely predictable; you could set a watch by their behaviors. Though it is better you learn by reading about them, listening to people’s stories or watching it in movies, than experiencing it firsthand. You can lose yourself entirely.
Narcissistic abuse doesn’t happen suddenly, it’s insidious, creeping in slowly, until one day you don’t recognize yourself. It is the epitome of domestic violence, a slowly dehumanizing and purposeful soul rape.
Narcissists install a mental filter in your head, massaging your expectations down bit by bit per time. Before you know it, everything you do, say, or think, goes through this filter.
Everything you think, say or do, you will unconsciously test with “Will he get upset if I do/say/think this? Will he feel hurt, react or disapprove this?” Your wants and desires are brushed aside so often that eventually you are conditioned not to have them. Expressing your needs only leads to pain.
The following list is not conclusive but it will help to a great extent in opening your eyes to what to expect from a narcissist. What you will get from them whether living with them or simply in a relationship.
40 things to Expect When You Live with a Narcissist
You will never be truly listened to.
You will live by his terms clearly defined.
There is never truly any conflict resolution as a result, they will continue to come up.
You will live by a set of double standards.
He is most concerned about his reputation and how he appears to people as a result, he will come off as a very good man.
He will rarely consider your feelings; and will only do so if it serves him partly.
He will either make all of your special days about him or he will ruin them for you.
He will never truly apologize in a way that acknowledges his behavior or your pains.
He will never show up when you need a partner the most and you dare not query him about it or get upset.
He will demand forgiveness for his bad behavior yet do nothing to earn back your trust or change his behavior.
Your expectations will be reduced to almost nothing.
The more unhappy you are the more he will delight in abandoning you.
You can't win in any argument no matter or tiny the issue is.
He will be dismissive and, at times, cruel to your efforts.
Unless it is to his direct benefit, he will make no effort to befriend your friends, or get close to your family after the honeymoon stage of the relationship.
He will determine when and how you relate with your friends if you are even permitted to still keep them as friends.
Your value will be damaged to the point of nothingness in his eyes. Mere strangers will hold more weight in his eyes than you will.
He will dump his shame and rage on to you.
You will become his scapegoat.
You will never have a simple conversation once the honeymoon stage is over.
You will find yourself walking on eggshells, living on the edge.
You will lose yourself because you will be trained to focus only on his feelings and reactions; never mind yours.
You will experience the silent treatment.
He will create an island in you by isolating you from your friends, family or financial support and then blame you for depending on him.
You will be blamed for all the problems in the relationship.
You will start blaming yourself too for all the problems in the relationship.
You will start giving excuses for him.
He will use your weaknesses, traumas and intimate secrets against you.
You will experience many dramatic exits, followed by reappearance; acting as if nothing unusual had ever happened.
He will come and go as he pleases.
You can never question his movements.
He will not answer questions directly.
He will never show genuine concern for things that you care about unless it concerns him somehow.
You will feel stuck and unable to leave him.
You will miss him and wait for him all the time.
He will compare you unfavorably to other women, especially his ex.
You will begin to feel crazy; then, over time, you will begin to feel numb.
Once you start to wise up and pull away he will begin to smear your character behind your back in an attempt to turn people against you.
He will project his bad behaviors onto you
He will not do his fair share of household responsibilities and will criticize your efforts.
Unfortunately, people outside see him as a perfect gentleman, many women wish to be in your shoe, so, when you finally break because of his crazy behaviors and the insanity of the relationship, he will call you a lunatic, people will not understand you and some will choose to pity him for sticking up with someone as ungrateful as you.
No one else will see it. This will cause you to question your mental stability. The entire experience will result in trauma for you because it is interpersonal violence.
Why does the narcissist emotionally and psychologically abuse others?
You have probably wondered why narcissist cannot love their partners truly, why they abuse their partners emotionally and psychologically.
If you’ve ever suffered narcissistic abuse, you’ll spend a lot of time trying to understand what makes them the way they are. Why and how you became entangled to their mess. Why did you fall prey to your narcissist?
If you have been hurt by someone you love it’s only fair to want to find closure in what happened. We believe that if we can only understand it, our pain will lessen.
10 Reasons Narcissists are the way they are
They were abused as a child.
They were emotionally abandoned by their mothers or fathers as a child.
They suffer from a form of attachment disorder.
Their needs weren’t met as a child.
They weren’t shown love as a child, as a result, they never learned how to love.
They weren’t taught how to love themselves as a child.
They were raised to believe that they are better than others.
They are bullies.
Because they mostly get away with it.
They are the way they are because they chose to
Healing and Moving on
Sincerely, making an effort to understand why what happened and finally getting the clarity and closure you desire may only lessen the pains, if at all it does. However, the disappointments, betrayal, cruelty, emotional damage you have experienced will still be there. Nothing is ever going to take care of the emotional pain you have felt after years of abuse except time.
As someone you have given yourself to for some time, you will be tempted to focus more on trying to understand your abuser, figuring him out and pitying him than focusing on your healing and taking care of yourself.
You have stopped taking care of yourself and your happiness for a long time that you may not even know how and where to begin taking care of yourself and your happiness again.
The problem is, the more you dig more into him, the more you get yourself entangled with him and you will be denying yourself a chance at healing.
You should know by experience that narcissistic men attach themselves to empathetic, kind, and caring women. Your kindness and caring nature make you an easy target during the dating period, marriage and even during the divorce process.
The narcissist loves none but himself
You will always want to excuse his cruel behaviors and always making efforts to fix him. Well, if you must heal and move on from a narcissistic man, you must disentangle yourself from him. Stop giving excuses for his mess. Put boundaries where necessary. place a ban on him if you must, so you can take care of yourself.
Making excuses for him will not only keep you emotionally attached to him but also keep you from moving toward healing and probably moving on.
For your information or rather a remembrance, not all people who were abused grow into abusers. We always have choices and options in life. I didn’t have a perfect childhood, but I didn’t choose to take it out on others.
Emotional problems are no excuses for bad behaviors.
They are bullies. Bullies with bad childhoods but it isn’t your job to fix a bully who doesn’t want to be fixed or feel he needs to be fixed. Move on.
Finally, knowing what to expect from a narcissist and why they hurt and abuse their victims psychologically and emotionally, is key to knowing when you might be falling prey into their traps. If you have already suffered their mess, it will help you heal. You owe them nothing except pity the sad little boy inside them; the sad little boy who throws tantrums and hurts people before they can hurt him. Sadly, there is nothing anyone can do to help that little boy and you can’t hold him close anymore.
Sincerely, making an effort to understand why what happened and finally getting the clarity and closure you desire may only lessen the pains, if at all it does. However, the disappointments, betrayal, cruelty, emotional damage you have experienced will still be there. Nothing is ever going to take care of the emotional pain you have felt after years of abuse except time.
As someone you have given yourself to for some time, you will be tempted to focus more on trying to understand your abuser, figuring him out and pitying him than focusing on your healing and taking care of yourself.
You have stopped taking care of yourself and your happiness for a long time that you may not even know how and where to begin taking care of yourself and your happiness again.
The problem is, the more you dig into him, the more you get yourself entangled with him and you will be denying yourself a chance at healing.
You should know by experience that narcissistic men attach themselves to empathetic, kind, and caring women. Your kindness and caring nature make you an easy target during the dating period, marriage and even during the divorce process.
You will always want to excuse his cruel behaviors and always making efforts to fix him. Well, if you must heal and move on from a narcissistic man, you must disentangle yourself from him. Stop giving excuses for his mess. Put boundaries where necessary. place a ban on him if you must, so you can take care of yourself.
Making excuses for him will not only keep you emotionally attached to him but also keep you from moving toward healing and probably moving on.
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